As I write this blog post, I'm asking myself, "Does this belong in my professional blog?" "Is this something better suited in a personal journal?". But I've been feeling like it's something I should share. Something happened...and I want the truth that transpired from it to be etched into my soul. It has affected the way I do life both personally and professionally as a birth doula. And perhaps in some small way it will speak to you.
Back in the summer of '16, I was in a very busy "baby season". I had a handful of super long births that were close together. Super long as in 24-36 hour births. During the last birth of this busy period and after having been at this specific hospital going into the fourth day, I was beginning to feel my body enter an almost "other worldly" state of exhaustion. The couple I was assisting was just a beautiful couple and I was truly happy to be experiencing this birth with them. I still had some adrenaline, but I was definitely praying some prayers under my breath like..."Lord, I need you. My body and emotions are exhausted and I desperately need an infusion of energy and your strength to get me through this birth." Within minutes, God's presence was ushered into that room. My head had been down and I looked up to see something beautiful. This precious, caring husband (who himself was exhausted and going on very little sleep) was speaking the softest, most tender words to his beloved, holding her and telling her how amazing she was doing and how much he loved her. I could just tell he was doing all he could to emotionally carry some of her burden in the most gentle and kindest of ways. It's hard to give you a picture of that moment, but I felt God there. I felt the love and adoration this man had for his wife and it truly moved me. I'm always moved by the amazing, supportive spouses I have the privilege of "teaming up" with, but this particular day, God knew I needed to hear His voice. Within seconds, I felt a whisper in my ear (one of the rare times I have almost questioned if it was audible because it was just that clear), "That is the way I love you, Karla. I always know exactly what you need and will give it to you now and always. I will carry you during your weakest moments. Let me love you like this". Thankfully, we had very dim lighting in the room, because I had tears streaming down my face as I experienced this enraptured moment of being loved and carried by my Heavenly Father. I had a new energy that came from an encounter with God. And in His perfect faithfulness, He gave this beautiful mama just what she needed too as she welcomed her little miracle into the world.
God has been doing a work in me over the past couple of years. Through circumstances I would have preferred not to have, I have been forced to pry my fingers open and release control over my life which has not been easy for this OCD control freak. I have learned that I'm highly preferring a life of crazy adventure and trust with God than a life of always worrying about what's next, only allowing a few things on my plate that I can easily control. The perfectionistic ways in me are changing. My life has gotten messy and unpredictable and I'm okay with that...which is really crazy because I don't like messes. The freedom in letting go and trusting God to be in the driver's seat is something I'm learning to love. Being a doula is super unpredictable. I have to keep up with the schedules and demands of life never knowing when I might be called to a birth (and not knowing how long I might be there). I never know when I might have two overdue clients at the same time (which is my current status). But I know that what God has called me to, He will equip me for. He is perfect in orchestrating timing and circumstances. He is faithful to carry me when I've only gotten a few hours of sleep in four days. And I truly witness His love and faithfulness at EVERY birth as I watch Him, in His perfect power and strength, carry and equip mamas to do what their bodies were made to do...bring beautiful, magnificent humans into the world!
I have learned and am learning to not be anxious for anything. And that is changing me. I can share with an anxious mama with true conviction that she has no reason to worry...that letting go and trusting His timing, His strength, His mercy, and His word is the key to experiencing a beautiful, freedom-filled pregnancy, labor, and birth. I'm so grateful for His promises and the difference it makes when we actually believe His promises and allow them to change us.
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank HIm for all He has done." ~Philippians 4:6,7